robot charm (isosceles) wrote,
robot charm

are you here, now?

It's funny how the keys for volume on a mac are so obvious yet I still push the wrong one to mute commercials. "Hey! Have you not been fully programed today to stay afraid?! Well, let me offer you random influence to pursue your consumerism this direction! Stay Afraid!" The figurative "they" proves it's preferred you "stay afraid" with the vast volume increase of the programming after set normal audio to whatever you cognitively chose to lend your attention. That's probably why I get all flustered and forget how to combine agility and simple motor skills.

I've only been single for ten months which actually sounds like a long time... if you've never been with someone for 4 years and completely in love with a one that loves you even greater yet only compliments ten percent of what makes you you, not to mention how poorly you match to them. And if you're the type to hang up resentment it might be hard to face the truest fact that being horribly matched does not make a one a bad (guilty, suspect or at fault in any way) individual. And maybe if you're gracious enough you can swiftly surmise that a one always meant everything they said, always wanted to find bliss, and hoped as dearly as you that it would be together. True love is sometimes an elusive prank, a trick even, and it doesn't make anyone the bad guy, but when the curtain closed on opening night and it takes years to figure that out you realize that love played an elaborate prank at your expense. When the joke is on you it's not so funny. But somehow you press on, you open yourself up, and if you're really risky you can find someone new worth caring about. I've found a new piece to a better part of me before I thought I was ready for so much organic bliss. I know the relief from the misery I was living in denial has much to do with my happiness this past seven months but the elation finding a more elaborate piece than I thought could exist is a rapture. I almost dropped the L bomb on this relatively new interest through drawsomething today, how effing modern. My mother is always telling me such weird shit like, "Never tell a man that you love him first." but I'm like, whatttttttthoughhh, but really WHY? Actually it causes hesitation despite my wonder. I used to believe it was important not to reveal my feelings first! Until I realized most of my exes are married to the girl they were with after me. Not that it has actual relevance, but I did recognize it and faced the fact that I might want to reevaluate these unnatural conducts. My final conclusion is something like so, I started out in the crazy game of love (oh so young and so so many times) just being myself and that didn't work great, and then later yet still a long time ago I tried to be someone I'm not and that has worked even less well. But, they say if you don't like a food you should try it again after 7 years because your entire body changes including your taste buds. So, I most definitely had to become a much improved version of myself by now. It's super hard to change or ignore critical parts of yourself and you can only keep up appearances temporarily. I'm a professional delusionist when I want to believe I've found a one that is built just so just for me, but this one smiles and want to yell those words right into his gloriously smirking face hole. It's nearly slipped out about seven times. Am I actually supposed to be convicted in or even capable of resisting such urges?? It's certainly not a choice inside me, why should I refrain from making it audible? I actually feel like celebrating because I'm still even capable of feeling this new and wonderful thing. On the other hand, I'm waiting somewhere between, "Am I going to lose my resilience if I'm mistaken?" and an unusually repetitive resounding and assured, "I just know. Resilience is the past. The familial plateau was a weird hiatus after all." So color me obvious. I just wanna be happy half the time and blue only when I have the time.

What I'm sure of, that which is absolute, I have learned to have a more sufficient instinct just who is worth risking my resilience on.

In three days from now it's today's Y2K, in such that if the world doesn't end... the entire format will undergo some critical revisions. I just hope that I've been consciously preparing to the effect that my current state of contentment isn't altered. A one could come close to calling me happy.
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A lot of the stuff you've written here is pretty black and white and/or like there is only one way to go about something.

I have always been myself. It's the only way i've known how to be and i've always liked saying like "be the best you you can be" and "be yourself. There are no other yous in the world." It's taken me a long time between relationships to find someone who wants to be with an overweight guy who farts and talks loud. But you know what? Every relationship has been (overall) a good one. It's the only way to be.

And if you're worried about relationships ending, i've got horrible news for you: they all will. From changes in personality, changes in life, death, whatever it is. Not to sound melodramatic about it, because here is my point: of could've been you who walked out the door at some point. It could be next time. Because in the end, you have to worry about your happiness. And sometimes that means people getting hurt. And that's just ALWAYS a possibility. It hurts that he's finding happiness elsewhere and you wish he could find it with you, but you can only focus on wishes for so long.

And this new guy? You don't have to just be held to blurting out that you love him. Sit him down and tell him how you feel in your own way. The way you do and the way you to him. And start from the beginning and let him know how.strongly you feel about him. Maybe he'll tell you first. But there's no harm in opening that channel if you feel compelled to.
I was actually black and whiting about what DID happen in these particular situations. Haha, a little too creative with my writing style sometimes. I know that I will figure out things with the new one organically and however it happens is the way it was supposed to happen.

And honestly, the ex doesn't seem to be nearly as happy as me and tht makes me really sad because I do love him and I want him to be happy. But there's not much I can do for that...